Premier League Matchweek 6 Preview: The Beautiful Game, Now Subject to Appeal
There is something fundamentally irritating about an international break arriving approximately eleven minutes after the domestic season has started.
The Premier League returns. The transfer window finally shuts. Clubs have spent hundreds of millions assembling squads, supporters have spent a small fortune travelling to watch them, and millions of fantasy football managers have already discovered that their carefully researched selections are total and utter bo**ocks.
Excellent. Let's stop all that immediately and play Czechia.
Ordinarily, an international break at this stage of the season is football's equivalent of somebody turning the music off at a party because they've got an announcement to make.
This one, admittedly, got rather interesting. England went to Croatia and won 7-0. Not San Marino. Not Andorra. Not the Dog & Duck after their goalkeeper has gone home because he's got an early shift at Screwfix.
Croatia.
By the sixth goal, an evening played in front of thousands of schoolchildren, despite UEFA's stadium restrictions, had begun to resemble a particularly poorly supervised school trip.
The Croatian defence certainly looked as though somebody had forgotten to collect them.
Thomas Tuchel's England were magnificent. Kane, Saka, Bellingham and Gordon looked like four men who had been given a football and told they could do pretty much whatever they liked, provided they remembered to help tidy up afterwards.
For once, an international break had delivered something genuinely worth watching. England had demolished Croatia, the nation was briefly united in optimism and the usual arguments about selection, tactics and whether the manager knows what he's doing had been suspended.
Then Manchester City were found guilty of serious financial wrongdoing.
Which rather put the international break into perspective.
England had scored seven, but the biggest numbers in football were suddenly being discussed by accountants and lawyers.
And with City heading to Anfield, the Premier League was about to return with considerably more baggage than it had left with.
Manchester City, Liverpool and Some Very Expensive Questions
There are easier places to visit when your football club has just been found guilty of serious financial wrongdoing than Anfield.
The dentist, perhaps. A Turkish prison. A Sunderland supporters' club AGM wearing an Alan Shearer shirt.
Manchester City arrive on Merseyside with their appeal pending, their reputation under renewed scrutiny and Enzo Maresca attempting to concentrate on the relatively uncomplicated matter of winning a football match.
Maresca has defended the club and its achievements, insisting that what happened on the pitch should not be diminished by the verdict.
There is an important distinction here. Nobody disputes that City's footballers have been exceptionally good at football. The questions concern how the operation around them was financed and represented.
It is perfectly possible to admire a magnificent piece of engineering while wondering whether somebody nicked the materials.
Naturally, the verdict has unleashed an outbreak of moral righteousness among supporters of other fabulously wealthy football clubs, many of whom appear to believe their own success was built entirely through honest toil, raffles and the sale of homemade jam.
The debate over money in football has become particularly peculiar. Some supporters of established clubs seem to believe that because their teams were already rich when the Premier League began, they should enjoy a sort of hereditary entitlement to remain rich forever.
Imagine explaining that principle to Jeff Bezos. "Sorry, Jeff. Woolworths has been here for a hundred years. You'll have to stop selling things."
The City situation is considerably more serious than an argument about whether new money should be allowed into football, of course. The charges concern compliance with the rules, not merely the existence of wealthy owners. The appeal will determine what happens next.
But there is one potentially glorious consequence. England's current side includes Manchester City's Marc Guéhi and Elliot Anderson, both of whom started the demolition of Croatia.
Depending on how the punishment eventually unfolds, Thomas Tuchel could conceivably find himself selecting England internationals from League Two.
Manchester City continue to innovate.
Liverpool manager Andoni Iraola has more immediate problems. Alexander Isak and Cody Gakpo are unavailable, leaving the hosts short of attacking options against a City side with Erling Haaland fit and ready after a little restorative time in Marbella.
Phil Foden is suspended, but City are hardly short of people who can play football.
Anfield will be ferocious. Liverpool need the points, City need to keep winning, and every television producer in the country will be searching the directors' box for a billionaire looking uncomfortable.
Good luck finding one.
Manchester United v Tottenham: A Meeting of the Unconvinced
Manchester United against Tottenham was once a fixture associated with flair, ambition and some of the finest attacking football in the country.
These days it has the atmosphere of two people arguing about whose house is more on fire.
Michael Carrick has spent the week assessing the latest damage. Benjamin Šeško is unavailable, Patrick Dorgu has a hamstring problem and Manuel Ugarte is also out.
United have gone three matches without a win.
At Old Trafford, every fresh declaration that the club has turned a corner is increasingly difficult to distinguish from a satnav repeatedly announcing that it is recalculating the route.
Tottenham arrive with problems of their own. Pedro Porro, Xavi Simons and Wilson Odobert are unavailable, although James Maddison and Dejan Kulusevski are back in contention.
Roberto De Zerbi also had the rather more cheerful news that Jan Paul van Hecke has become a father to twins.
Congratulations to him. Anyone who has experienced the arrival of a newborn will understand that ninety minutes at Old Trafford may now constitute a welcome opportunity for some peace and quiet.
There is plenty of talent on both sides. That has never really been the problem. The difficulty has been persuading all that talent to behave like a football team for an entire afternoon.
A draw would probably satisfy nobody, which makes it a thoroughly plausible outcome.
Arsenal: The Process Requires Another Process
Arsenal entertain Leeds following a 3-0 defeat to Brighton, a result which will have caused considerable distress in the Arteta household.
Mikel Arteta strikes me as a man who becomes mildly irritated when the dishwasher has been loaded incorrectly. Conceding three goals must require several hours alone with a tactics board and a packet of Nurofen.
Declan Rice is available, while there are still fitness questions over other members of the squad. Arteta was also asked about City's financial verdict, a delicate subject given his previous employment under Pep Guardiola.
He took the diplomatic route, respecting the appeal process and concentrating on Arsenal. Quite right too.
Although it would have been tremendous television if he'd arrived wearing a sandwich board reading CHEATS and refused to discuss Leeds.
Daniel Farke has injury problems of his own, with Daniel James and Joe Rodon unavailable.
Leeds are unlikely to make this comfortable. They are organised, committed and perfectly capable of making Arsenal supporters spend ninety minutes questioning the referee's parentage.
Arsenal should have enough. But if it's still goalless after an hour, watch Arteta. The fourth official certainly will.
Chelsea and the World's Most Expensive Jigsaw
Chelsea welcome Bournemouth with Xabi Alonso able to call upon Cole Palmer, João Pedro, Moisés Caicedo and Reece James.
That is a fairly substantial collection of returning talent.
Chelsea's problem has rarely been a shortage of expensive footballers. At various points they've possessed enough of them to form a small principality.
The challenge is persuading everybody to play in the correct position, preferably at the same time. Bournemouth are missing Alex Scott, although David Brooks is back in training.
Marco Rose will know that Chelsea's greater resources do not automatically guarantee a coherent performance.
Sometimes having thirty excellent footballers simply means having twenty excellent footballers wondering why they aren't playing.
Sunderland, Brighton and the Importance of Counting to Eleven
Sunderland host Brighton with Dan Ballard injured and Brian Brobbey unavailable. Brighton have scored sixteen goals in five league games.
That's not a particularly encouraging combination. Fabian Hürzeler has absentees of his own, including Kaoru Mitoma, Yankuba Minteh and Mats Wieffer, although Lewis Dunk is available again.
The Seagulls have nevertheless been playing with the sort of attacking enthusiasm normally associated with a group of children discovering an unattended chocolate fountain.
Sunderland will need to be disciplined, organised and considerably less accommodating than some of Brighton's recent opponents.
There is a fine line between brave attacking football and leaving your goalkeeper to deal with the consequences of everybody else having gone on an adventure.
The Saturday Afternoon Collection
Aston Villa face Brentford, with Unai Emery managing a collection of absences and Keith Andrews assessing several players of his own.
Both managers will spend the afternoon attempting to impose carefully constructed tactical plans on eleven men who, at some point, will inevitably do something nobody discussed in training.
Ipswich entertain Fulham, where Álvaro Arbeloa has Kenny Tete available again and Antonee Robinson's fitness remains a consideration.
Neither fixture is likely to dominate the television build-up. Which is usually when football decides to produce something absolutely ridiculous.
Sunday: Glasner Comes Home, Sort Of
Crystal Palace against Nottingham Forest gives us Oliver Glasner's return to Selhurst Park. There is something wonderfully irrational about the reception former managers receive.
A man can spend years improving your football club, delivering memorable results and earning the affection of thousands of people.
Then he turns up wearing somebody else's tracksuit and is treated like a bloke who's run off with the Christmas club money.
Palace have significant absences, including Jean-Philippe Mateta and Dean Henderson, while Forest have defensive problems of their own.
It should be an interesting afternoon for Glasner, who knows the place intimately and will presumably know precisely which parts of Selhurst Park become unpleasant when the home crowd gets going.
Hull entertain Everton in Sunday's other early fixture.
David Moyes has had to field questions about reports concerning Everton's ownership, which must be an absolute delight when you're trying to prepare for a football match.
There are times when managing a Premier League club resembles being the caretaker of a large Victorian house whose owners keep changing their minds about whether they want to sell it.
You still have to fix the plumbing. And somebody's always complaining about the windows.
Coventry v Newcastle: The Monday Night Experience
And finally, because Newcastle United supporters apparently aren't allowed to enjoy an entire weekend without something unpleasant hanging over them, the Magpies travel to Coventry on Monday evening.
Matthias Jaissle expects several players to return to the squad, with Joelinton and Nico González among those being assessed.
That is welcome news, although Newcastle's medical department has lately been operating at a level of activity normally associated with the emergency department at a Spanish holiday resort during the first week of August.
Coventry will fancy their chances.
Frank Lampard's side have the opportunity to take a notable scalp in front of their own supporters, and there is something particularly appealing about facing Newcastle when the visitors arrive with expectations.
Expectations are dangerous things at Newcastle United. The club has spent years carefully nurturing them before occasionally dropping them down the stairs.
On paper, Newcastle have the quality to win. They should control possession, create opportunities and possess sufficient attacking talent to settle the contest.
Unfortunately, Newcastle United matches are not played on paper. They are played on grass, generally in front of thousands of people who have already begun worrying about the result before leaving the house.
Monday evening football also brings its own particular pleasures. A long drive home. A motorway service station. A lukewarm coffee costing approximately the same as a small mortgage repayment.
And, depending on the result, either the quiet satisfaction of three points or three hours listening to somebody on local radio explaining that the players didn't want it enough.
Wonderful.
And We're Off Again
So that's the weekend.
City at Anfield with the accountants working overtime. United and Tottenham attempting to demonstrate that one of them is making progress. Arsenal seeking a return to normal service. Chelsea unpacking another collection of expensive footballers.
And Newcastle waiting until Monday to find a fresh and imaginative way of affecting the nation's blood pressure.
England's 7-0 victory over Croatia was wonderful. For a few days, international football actually managed to remind us why we enjoy the game.
Now the Premier League is back. The managers have spoken. The injury lists are ready. The excuses have been carefully prepared.
And somewhere, a television pundit is about to explain that the first goal could be crucial. Thank Christ for that.
