Premier League Matchweek 5 Preview: Nobody Panic
Four games into the Premier League season and everybody is remaining extremely calm.
Tottenham haven't scored. Aston Villa haven't won. Newcastle have misplaced most of a football team. Manchester United have spent the week exploring exciting new ways of making Michael Carrick look worried.
Meanwhile Arsenal and Manchester City have won every game, which means the title race is apparently over.
Again.
We did this last week.
We specifically discussed the dangers of reaching enormous conclusions from tiny amounts of information, agreed that doing so was ridiculous, and then everybody watched another game and immediately did it again.
Excellent.
Still, Matchweek 5 does feel slightly different.
We're approaching the international break. Managers have had a month. New signings have found the training ground. Everyone has presumably been shown where the toilets are.
The phrase "needs time" is beginning to encounter its natural predator.
The phrase "needs a result."
Brentford v Chelsea
We start on Friday night with Chelsea travelling about seven miles across London to play a Brentford side who remain unbeaten.
Chelsea have seven points from four games and Brentford have six, which isn't especially interesting until you consider Chelsea have spent approximately the GDP of a medium-sized European country constructing their squad and Brentford continue to behave like a club who found most of theirs behind a garden centre.
At some point, though, we probably have to stop talking about Brentford as if this keeps happening by accident.
Keith Andrews took over from Thomas Frank, survived the inevitable predictions that the clever little Brentford experiment was finally about to end, finished ninth in his first season and now has them unbeaten again.
He is beginning to look suspiciously like the real deal.
Annoying, really.
There was a perfectly good narrative available about Brentford finally getting one managerial appointment wrong and he's gone and ruined it.
Chelsea have also produced 19 goals at either end in four league matches.
This is entertaining if you are a neutral.
Less so if you're Xabi Alonso.
João Pedro is a major doubt, while Moisés Caicedo and Reece James have also required checking before the game. Brentford, meanwhile, have already beaten Tottenham 3-0 and drawn their other three league matches.
They are awkward, organised and irritatingly difficult to kill.
Basically wasps.
Chelsea have enough attacking talent to destroy almost anybody. They also retain the capacity to suddenly look as though several members of the team were introduced to one another while walking out of the tunnel.
Friday night should tell us which Chelsea has turned up.
Possibly both.
Tottenham v Aston Villa
Lovely.
Tottenham have played four Premier League games and scored no goals.
Aston Villa have played four Premier League games and won no games.
Welcome to El Desperatico.
Spurs have actually failed to score in their opening four league matches for the first time in their history. Roberto De Zerbi has spent the opening month changing his team with the enthusiasm of a man trying different batteries in a remote control.
Nothing.
Take them out.
Rub them together.
Put them back in.
Still nothing.
There are mitigating circumstances. Spurs have injuries, an extraordinarily young and relatively unfamiliar side and several important players returning at different stages.
But eventually somebody has to kick the ball into the big rectangular thing.
Villa finally managed that last weekend against Nottingham Forest, which was progress, although Forest scored twice and therefore annoyingly won the football match.
Unai Emery's side have injuries of their own and remain without a league victory.
Something has to give.
Unless it finishes 0-0.
Which would, objectively, be much funnier.
Brighton v Arsenal
Now this is interesting.
Arsenal have started with four wins from four and currently possess the slightly unsettling air of a team who know exactly what they're doing.
Brighton, meanwhile, have just beaten Coventry 5-0 and then gone to Old Trafford in the League Cup, fallen 2-0 behind after ten minutes and won 3-2.
Which is quite a nice week.
This also has a tiny amount of managerial needle left over from Fabian Hürzeler's complaints about Arsenal's time-wasting last season.
Apparently Hürzeler has since apologised to Mikel Arteta.
Pathetic.
This could have been something.
Two managers refusing to shake hands. Accusations. Technical areas invaded. Somebody's assistant manager having to be restrained by a goalkeeper coach called Miguel.
Instead they've texted each other and sorted it out like adults.
Football is dying. The game's gone.
Still, the actual game should be fascinating.
Brighton are missing some serious attacking talent, including Mitoma and Minteh, but they have enough confidence to make this Arsenal side uncomfortable.
And if Arsenal come through Brighton away with five wins from five, people are going to become even more normal about them.
Everton v Ipswich
Ipswich have made a perfectly respectable start to life back in the Premier League and travel to an Everton side who have also looked considerably less Everton than Everton sometimes look.
That's meant as a compliment.
David Moyes appears to have constructed something reasonably functional, which won't generate many TikTok tactical explainers but may generate points.
Ipswich have already demonstrated they aren't here simply to admire the stadiums and collect commemorative shirts.
This feels like one of those games everybody ignores until Match of the Day and then discovers it finished 4-3.
It will now finish 0-0.
Newcastle v Hull
Right.
Newcastle were dreadful at Leeds on Monday.
There are mitigating circumstances, but let's get that sentence out of the way first.
Dreadful.
Nico González's concussion after 19 minutes unquestionably changed the game. As did Leeds' opener: Ao Tanaka's shot taking a double deflection off Sean Steur and Lewis Miley before finding the net.
Very unfortunate.
Newcastle then spent the remaining hour making absolutely certain nobody could blame the result on bad luck.
Leeds were better, stronger, quicker and increasingly looked like the grown-ups.
By the end, 4-1 didn't feel particularly strange.
For Newcastle, the important bit is what happens next.
Hull arrive at St James' Park unbeaten in the Premier League and third in the table, which is not a sentence many people had written down in August.
They've been excellent.
Newcastle, meanwhile, will be without González under concussion protocol, plus Anthony Elanga, Amar Dedic, Jacob Ramsey, Joelinton, Dan Burn, William Osula and Ewen Jaouen.
At this point Matthias Jaissle may want to spend Friday evening sitting quietly at home wrapped in bubble wrap.
Hull will know exactly what this is.
A wounded side, missing important players, coming off a humiliation and playing in front of 52,000 people expecting a response.
That's either an excellent time to play Newcastle or an absolutely dreadful one.
We'll find out at about five o'clock.
But Newcastle do need a reaction.
Not a brave performance. Not encouraging passages. Not an interesting xG map.
A reaction.
Nottingham Forest v Coventry
Welcome to the Premier League.
Coventry have zero points.
Last weekend Brighton beat them 5-0.
This weekend they go to Nottingham Forest.
Next question.
That's perhaps slightly cruel because Coventry have shown enough in patches to suggest they aren't hopeless. They've also been handed an opening run of fixtures apparently compiled by somebody who dislikes Coventry.
Quite personally.
Forest, meanwhile, have quietly started looking like a very competent Premier League side again.
They've taken points from Liverpool and Spurs, won at Villa and now get a promoted team at home.
Coventry are also carrying injuries and suspensions into this one.
There will be easier afternoons.
Presumably.
Manchester City v Sunderland
Manchester City have won four games from four.
Sunderland have four points from four.
Therefore City will win comfortably.
There. Preview done.
Except Sunderland spent most of last season demonstrating that treating them as some adorable little promoted side discovering the Premier League was extremely stupid, mainly because they weren't promoted this year and finished seventh last season.
We covered this.
Please pay attention.
City will be without the suspended Phil Foden and may not have Jérémy Doku.
Unfortunately they still have all the other ones.
Sunderland have enough about them to make this awkward.
City have enough about them to make "awkward" last approximately 17 minutes.
Leeds v Crystal Palace
Leeds have had an excellent start.
They've just dismantled Newcastle 4-1 and suddenly everybody is looking at them differently.
This is how quickly football works.
A fortnight ago you're wondering whether a team has enough to stay up.
Then they win a couple of games and somebody on talkSPORT starts discussing Europe.
Dominic Calvert-Lewin is scoring goals. Elland Road is unpleasant again. Daniel Farke has a side playing with confidence.
Crystal Palace, meanwhile, have had a difficult opening month and arrive without Jean-Philippe Mateta and Dean Henderson.
This is exactly the sort of fixture Leeds will now be expected to win.
Which is interesting.
Being the underdog is lovely.
Everyone claps when you bite somebody.
Expectation is different.
Now let's see what happens when Leeds are the dog.
Bournemouth v Liverpool
Andoni Iraola returns to Bournemouth.
Liverpool remain unbeaten.
Bournemouth remain without a league win.
Naturally, Bournemouth have also just gone to Real Sociedad and won their first European match.
Perfectly normal.
Liverpool's opening month under Iraola has been odd rather than disastrous. They're unbeaten in all competitions, but three draws from four Premier League games means the machine hasn't exactly started humming yet.
Bournemouth have been almost the reverse.
They've played some lovely football and repeatedly forgotten that the object of football is not to impress people but to finish with more goals than the other team.
Points are terribly old-fashioned like that.
Iraola knows Bournemouth intimately.
Bournemouth know Iraola intimately.
So everybody knows what everybody is trying to do.
This should make the tactical battle fascinating.
Or completely irrelevant when somebody falls over at a corner after six minutes.
Fulham v Manchester United
Last week we described Manchester United as Schrödinger's football club.
We have now opened the box.
Unfortunately the cat appears to have lost 3-2 to Brighton.
It has been quite a week.
First Man United lost 1-0 to ten-man Manchester City.
Then they went 2-0 up against Brighton at Old Trafford after ten minutes in the League Cup.
Excellent.
Problem solved.
Manchester United are back.
Brighton won 3-2.
Ah.
It was the first time in 50 years Man United had lost at Old Trafford after leading by two goals.
Which is the sort of statistic you generally don't want appearing underneath your face while you're being interviewed.
Michael Carrick says pressure doesn't bother him.
Good.
Because there is some.
Man United have won one of their opening four league games and now travel to Fulham immediately before the international break.
Fulham haven't won a league game either, but they've just drawn at Anfield and won at West Ham in the cup.
Craven Cottage isn't where Carrick would have chosen to conduct an emergency repair on Manchester United.
Another poor result and we all know what happens next.
Two weeks without club football.
Fourteen days of television panels.
Fourteen days of former Manchester United players being asked what's wrong with Manchester United.
Fourteen days of graphics containing photographs of unemployed managers.
Somebody will mention "standards."
Gary Neville may point at something and say "this is Manchester United".
Roy Keane will look disappointed in a way that suggests somebody has personally let down his family.
Carrick could really do with winning this one.
No pressure.
Obviously.
So Here We Are
Five games.
That's where we're about to be.
Five.
Arsenal and Manchester City could still be perfect. Tottenham could still be goalless. Villa could still be winless. Newcastle could either have produced the required response or discovered that Hull are, inconveniently, actually quite good.
And Manchester United could be heading into an international break with everyone behaving completely normally.
The Premier League remains far too young for definitive conclusions.
We know this.
Everybody knows this.
It won't make the slightest difference.
By Sunday evening somebody will be winning the league, somebody will be getting relegated and somebody's manager will apparently have 48 hours to save his job.
See you after the international break.
Assuming everyone survives.
