International Football - The terrible tease.

OK, right off the bat, I'll be perfectly honest.
I hate the football international breaks. And, as every year goes by, I'm struggling to think of anything positive to say about international football, and particularly following England.
There we go, Ive said it.
But, as a football fan, why do I feel like this?

I actually thought carefully about the last time I enjoyed watching England and struggled to think of any time beyond Italia 90.
For the last 30 odd years, I have, like many others, been absorbed by the media hype and build up to the forthcoming fixture.
The annoying neighbour, whose only experience of watching football is being forced to watch his 11 year old son every weekend, hangs his Union Jack on the garage door.
Upside down.
Fake dentist appointments are booked to ensure commuters are home in time.
Insincere TV presenters and newsreaders pretend they'll be glued to their screens, when most likely they have far more interesting engagements.
Advertisers desperately try to come up with tenuous links between their clients products and scoring goals.
Many young adults, desperate to try and endear themselves to their new partner, pretend to be excited as they take their seats in the pub. Constantly surveying the room to ensure they cheer at the right time.

At home, your mates bring packs of warm beers, then help themselves to your cold ones from the fridge, maybe a take away, or a few packs of Doritos.
Debate the line up.
The new manager has shown his bravery by selecting the 21 year old exciting new striker who has been popping them in for fun for his club for the last few weeks.
Will he get on the pitch? Probably not.
If he's lucky he might be brought on for the last 5 minutes, 'To give him a taste of international football'.
Its probably better that than being in the starting line up. But, of course, not in his normal position. His international manager, who has known him for a week, thinks he'll be better more on the right.
Of course, he is wrong. And the poor lad has a bad game.
Substituted early in the second half. His confidence shot to bits.
The media join in and suddenly its six months before he starts popping them in for his club again.

Back to the crowded settee.
Everyone predicts the score, shouts of 'turn the volume up' and 'Come on England' from all in the room as the ball is kicked off.
Someone arrives late because he had to cut the grass first if he was going out.
It doesn't take long before the cheers start to fade.
'Look at him, he didn't even look for a forward pass'
30 minutes in and England still haven't had a shot on goal.
The team lying 56 in the world rankings are more organised than we thought.
Trying to hit us on the break.
And look. Oh no! A multi million pound English midfielder has just given the ball away. The opposition surge forward in numbers and a plumber from a town you can't pronounce has just put one past our flailing keeper.
The part time fans are secretly pleased that they're not really that bothered.
Somebody whacks the arm of your settee. Far harder than you would ever do it to someone else's.
'Take him off!' 'Bring on thingy'
Misery sets in.
15 minutes to go. Panic over. England equalise, mainly due to a huge mistake by the accountant at left back.
But thats their only shot on goal.
Even the five substitutes, brought on with ten minutes left, fail to make a difference.
Now England must score two goals, next week, against a top 5 side to qualify.
Not only that, our star striker has just been stretchered off. And worse still, he plays for your club.

As the post match pundits dish out their predictable analysis. 'That guy can probably give up his plumbing job now'. And what they would have done if they were the manager.
But you're not are you? Thats why you're sat in the studio. Because you're not good enough to manage.

Everyone gets up to go, in a completely different mood to when they arrived.
Some even take their warm beers with them, because they've not been opened.
'Don't worry, I'll clean up guys. See you all again next week'.

Supporting England is like being on a dodgy dating site.
You're all excited about the pending meal with the gorgeous new match, whose face shots are encouraging and they describe themselves as 'average' build. Thats OK.
Then you find out that 'average' build actually means far too many Greggs pasties.
To be fair, they weren't lying. Compared to most of the others on the site, they probably were average.Then the awkward decision. Do you prolong the pointless date and order the tempting black forest gateaux or call it a night and satisfy your chocolate craving with a bag of Revels from the all night garage. Never mind, perhaps the next one will be better.

And anyway, Ive always got next weeks England game to look forward to.